Bring on the ‘Men in the White Coats’…

One of my personal heroes is Thomas Szasz (1920 – 2012). Dr. Szasz was a stalwart critic of the neolibertarian taxonomy concerning mental health, or mental illness, whichever way you wish to regard it.

In the prologue to my book, I state that Dr. Szasz couldn’t have ‘said it any better’ when he stated: ‘People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is something one finds, it is something one creates.’

The persistent argument throughout Szasz’s lifetime work was: ‘Does mental illness really exist, or is modern society ‘guilty’ of marginalising and secularising people whom are deemed ‘different’ from the norm?’

It is an established epistemological fact that as individual people we are all different; we all see it, day-in and day-out. Whereas you may personally respond to a certain situation in a certain way, I may choose (or more fundamentally, be ontologically inclined) to react to the same situation in a very different way. Diversity is the ‘backbone of evolution’. After all, if we were all identical then society wouldn’t evolve and transform and, in a Darwinian sense, the ‘survival of the fittest’ would not prevail as an evolutionary ‘advancer’; mankind and society would stagnate and decline.

Which brings me onto ‘mental illness’. Modern society has quite neatly, and (apparently) objectively decreed that people with mental illness(es) are ‘different’ from other people within society. Modern Mental Health Services ‘cater’ and provide for people with this type of affliction, and mental illness (or the ‘lack’ of mental health) is classified as a ‘disease’ in its own right by modern medical encyclopaedias such as ‘DSM-IV TR‘ and ‘ICD-10’. These rigid, constraining medical taxonomies ignore, and even subjugate the notion of diversity and ‘difference’ within modern society to the predominantly neolibertarian model of medical ‘Cartesianism’, where every ‘pathological difference’ to the rest of society can be diagnosed, classified and ‘explained’. In short: ‘If you’re ‘different’, then call quickly for the ‘Men in the White Coats.’

What the modern medical-model fails to recognise is that individual ‘difference’ often leads to major progress and advancements within society. People like Albert Einstein, John Nash and Friedrich Nietzsche may have all been declared ‘mad’ at some point in their lives for thinking, or even feeling what they did, but all three of them have in their own way contributed immensely to furthering an understanding of the very world around us; their views may still to this day remain controversial, but these pioneers are far from ‘mad’ or mentally disordered. Yes, they were/are ‘different’ and you may not personally agree with their respective views/opinions, but they should be respected for their own individual stances on life, as equally as Descartes and Newton.

However, placing idealistic-Hegelianism aside for a moment, it is fortunate that people who are deemed ‘different’ within society are indeed recognised as such, even if it is through the often-stigmatising ‘label’ of ‘mental illness’, as this is often the only way that the limited-vocabulary of neolibertarianism can simplistically and nonchalantly explain-away ‘difference’, by perversely classifying their condition as a ‘deviance’ from the norm; ironically, this recognised ‘difference’ provides people with mental illness(es) with the requisite ‘acceptance’ that is required for them to function within modern society today.

So what about people with Borderline Personality Disorder? And what about the ‘non-BP’s‘ who become pathologically entangled with these people? Do I believe that people with BPD have a mental illness? Well, modern-medical taxonomy would seem to suggest they do have a recognised mental illness; and as I moot above, that may be no bad thing, in order to help facilitate their striving to be unprejudicially accepted within modern society. The same, of course applies to ‘non-BP’s’ who suffer from mental ‘fall-out’ either as a direct, or indirect result of their relationship with the person with BPD, symptoms of which could include depression or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Society as a whole needs to be much more understanding as to the causes, symptoms and subsequent ramifications of mental illness, which includes BPD. Much ‘lip service’ and rhetoric is paid to ‘understanding’ mental illness, such as with ‘Mental Health Awareness’ weeks, and other initiatives. But rather than vacuous expressions of hollow pity, society as a whole needs to spend much more time and effort truly understanding these complex conditions, in order to ensure that the underlying prejudice and stigma linked to mental illness is eliminated; this should apply to individuals and collectives alike, such as to employers, and other types of organisations and collectives.

So just because a person has BPD, or conversely is a ‘non-BP’ suffering in a relationship with someone who has BPD, should we call for the ‘Men in the White Coats’? Well, much depends on whether these people are actively seeking help and assistance for their condition(s). For example, if a person with BPD both acknowledges their condition, and is seeking active therapy, then it is highly unlikely that they would pose a risk either to themselves, or to their friends, family or partner; likewise with a ‘non-BP’ who may be the opposite-partner in the ‘dysfunctional dance’ with a BPD.

The problem comes with people who fail to recognise and acknowledge their condition(s), such as those who have undiagnosed/unacknowledged BPD, or those ‘non’s’ who are in denial. In these particular cases, especially in considering the undiagnosed/unacknowledged ‘Borderline’, there may be signs and symptoms of sociopathy. In these cases, the undiagnosed/unacknowledged BPD may have an (often) unintentionally-insidious effect on the people around them, especially on their ‘non’ partner.

If this is the case, and if you find yourself as a ‘non-BP’ in this situation, then I suggest you seek medical attention for yourself as soon as practically possible. Otherwise, you won’t be calling the ‘Men in the White Coats’ for your BPD-partner; it will be for someone else entirely…

Until next time.

‘Catching Fleas’… And How To Recover From The ‘Bites’

It’s widely recognised that when you’re in a relationship with someone who either has diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, or with someone whom has many of the characteristics of this psychological derangement, that you invariably ‘catch a few fleas‘ yourself.

What exactly do I mean by this?

BPD is all about ‘control‘; the person with BPD must control the environment around them, in order to stem their irrational fear of real, or perceived abandonment, and the simultaneous chronic fear of ‘engulfment’. And ‘control’ to a BPD means control of everything, for example from what time the ‘ex’ may be picking up the kids that day, to your own whereabouts and activities. Yes, ‘controlling’ YOU, the ‘non’ in the relationship is number-one on their list of priorities.

This ‘pressure’, and this pathological scrutiny by your partner will, in the majority of cases, eventually impact insidiously and perversely on your own behaviour. This is especially true if you’re a ‘non-BP‘ in a relatively long-standing relationship with a BPD. When your BPD-partner is absent or ‘missing in action’, whilst you may suspect that he/she may be meeting other prospective partners in a bid to ‘triangulate’, then surely it’s OK to covertly access their email account to see what they’re really up to? In the same vein, surely it’s ‘OK’ to follow them to an impromptu ‘PTA Meeting’ when they suspiciously appear ‘dressed-to-kill’? No, it’s wrong! But if you know where I’m coming from, then the ‘fleas’ have already bitten hard and deep. After all the concept of ‘trust’, especially in a relationship with someone whom has undiagnosed/unacknowledged BPD is like ‘fool’s gold’; it doesn’t exist, and it never really did…

In extreme cases, this triage of seemingly-unending ‘battle’ with your BPD-partner can have an unequivocal impact on your own mental/psychological health and well-being. All-of-a-sudden, almost overnight, you’re the one who appears ‘crazy’, as exhibited by your (often irrational) actions in your desperate and seemingly never-ending attempts to maintain this dysfunctional relationship. But these actions can come with a ‘cost’; a cost to your own health and well-being.

It’s well recognised that ‘non-BP’ partners eventually exhibit signs of stress, anxiety and depression in response to the daily ‘battle’ with their BPD-partners. In severe cases, this can manifest itself as ‘Post-traumatic Stress Disorder‘, or ‘PTSD’. By that point, you will undoubtedly have a severe case of ‘the fleas’, and you’ll probably feel almost ‘bitten to death’ by the constant onslaught of pain and suffering.

It’s important that if, or when that point arrives, you seek professional help; recognise that you have your own psychological issues to address, and prioritise these above and beyond those of your BPD-partner. This is ‘easier said that done’ in many cases, but remember that the cost of not addressing your own issues could be profound; not taking action at this point may mean at one extreme the end of other friendships/relationships, and at the other extreme it could mean the possible loss of your livelihood…

In short: Seek medical advice yourself, and follow it.

Although mental/psychological illness still carries with it a certain ‘stigma’, here in the United Kingdom we have the ‘Equality Act (2010)’. This Act proffers certain ‘protections’ to people with a ‘protected characteristic’ such as a mental illness that qualifies as a ‘disability’; and the Act focuses more on the symptoms of any current or past illness, rather than on the categorical medical ‘diagnosis’ itself. However, to confer protection under the Equality Act, you have to be able to demonstrate (among other things) that the symptoms of your illness would be prevalent without the appropriate medical treatment. This is especially important if your own illness/condition is having a detrimental impact on your work, and the provisions of the Equality Act can help protect your future working livelihood.

Please do not take what I say as ‘gospel’; I am not a lawyer, and any legal references I make come with a ‘health warning’. However the key message I wish to impart is that if you feel like your health and well-being is ‘suffering’ as a ‘non-BP’ in a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, then acknowledge your own health impairment, seek medical attention immediately, and most importantly follow that advice.

If you fail to recognise, and acknowledge your own health issues that may prevail as a result of the ‘dysfunctional dance’ that characterise your ongoing relationship with a partner suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, then this may well prove to be your own ‘Achilles’ Heel‘; and if you’re unfortunate enough to ‘fall off the dance-floor of life’ in these circumstances, then ‘fleas’ will be the least of your worries. It will be the ‘vultures’ that will now naturally be your next adversaries; and a smattering of ‘flea powder’ will be of no use whatsoever…

Until next time.

‘A Day in the Life’… A Day in MY Journey of Life…

‘Living life’ as we know and perceive it, should be regarded a paradox. More often than not, we are not in a position to ascertain and evaluate the choices we make in life, until after those choices have been made. Without using a ‘crystal ball’ to circumvent certain (retrospectively ‘bad’) decisions and choices we make, we are unable to fully experience the impact of choices we make in life until after ‘the event’. In short: With a ‘crystal ball’ we wouldn’t be ‘living’ life; we would be merely existing.

Simplistically, we are on a ‘one-way’ journey to the ‘terminus’, with plenty of ‘T-junctions’ and ‘crossroads’ ahead of us, all of which give us choices on how we end up travelling from where we are at this exact moment of time, to the ‘end of the road’. And we all know that ‘the end’ is coming; it is just a matter of time until we roll into the individual terminus that awaits us.

‘Going back’, or ‘re-tracing our steps’ and ‘doing things better’ isn’t possible, because every day that passes on our personal journey gives us more information and ‘input’, which inevitably influence the choices we make in the future, at the next ‘T-junction’ on that journey. All that we can hope, for ourselves and our loved-ones, is that the journey to ‘Mile End‘ is as pain-free as possible, and that we avoid as many ‘pot-holes‘ as we can on the way. But sometimes, those ‘pot-holes’ are unavoidable, and the odd ‘flat-tyre’ in also inevitable…

Following the demise of my relationship with a person who was undoubtedly suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, my  ‘journey’ came to a halt. I was effectively ‘on the hard shoulder‘, crying for help and wondering what the hell had happened. At that particular time in my life-journey, I was probably suffering from a Major Depressive Episode, which was confusing and debilitating. On reflection, there was only a small ‘road-side barrier’ standing between where I was, and the almost-irretrievable ‘ditch’ that is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. In obviating my past-future to ‘fate’, I like to think that I was ‘lucky’ for not falling into that ditch, but luck had nothing to do with it…

Ultimately, only WE decide which direction we are going to take at those ‘T-junctions’ and ‘crossroads’ along the road of life; nobody else, just ourselves. And in exercising those decisions, we must strive to know why we chose to take certain paths and directions. When I was ‘bleeding on the hard-shoulder’ of life, at that point when my life had literally disappeared as I had known it, I chose not to blame the ‘other (Borderline) driver’, and instead I chose to find out why I had chosen to make the decision I did at the last juncture in life. ‘Borderlines’ are like manic drivers; they (literally) ‘run red lights’, ‘DUI‘, and drive through crossroads completely oblivious to other travellers on the road. It would have been easy to blame the ‘other driver’ for my predicament, but instead I chose to ask myself why I had chosen to take that ‘difficult mountain path full of pot-holes with the Borderline’, rather than the easy Freeway. The answers to these questions were literally life-changing…

Time ‘on the hard-shoulder’ gave me time to examine my own tendencies and personality traits, including those narcissistic and co-dependent tendencies that drew me so strongly to that dysfunctional relationship in the first place. In retrospect, I chose to take the ‘left at that junction’, rather than the path that would have been less painful. And it would have been remiss for me not to examine those reasons why I made that choice.

Through self-examination and retrospection, I now realise that I had to take that ‘rocky-road to nowhere’ with my Borderline-ex, in order to find myself. And I’m now in a much better place for it. I now have friendships and familial relationships that eclipse anything that was previously possible, either before and during my relationship with my Borderline-ex.

Would I recommend taking such a ‘rocky-road’ to any of my friends or acquaintances? No. But do I regret the road I personally chose to follow in my 2-year relationship with a Borderline? Absolutely not. In my case, ‘taking left at that junction’ has led me to a personal awakening that I believe would not have been possible without me choosing to take that road of hardship.

If you are in a similar situation to me, post-Borderline relationship, I would recommend not ‘blaming‘ your Borderline-ex for the turmoil that no-doubt ensued, and instead to focus on yourself. After all, they are just ‘other’ drivers on the road-of-life, albeit driving with different ‘rules’. Realise that YOU chose to be in such a dysfunctional relationship in the first place. My advice would be to find out the reasons why you chose to be there in the first place, and why you chose to stay there, knowing full-well that the relationship probably wasn’t good for you. It isn’t going to be easy for you, but I cannot relate in words the joy that this self-discovery provides; it is literally like discovering a ‘new world’, rather than just a ‘new road’ beyond the next set of traffic-lights.

I would urge you not to lay ‘blame’ on your Borderline-ex for any pain that you have endured; and I know you have. I was there. Instead, focus on your own journey, and with the new-found knowledge about yourself, make it a good one.

And if you do ‘slip into the trap’ of blaming your Borderline-ex, just take solace in the fact that you are probably in a far better place than they are now, unless of course they are actively seeking help and therapy for their condition. And if it makes you feel any better whatsoever, just remember that ‘drunk-drivers’/’DUI’ undoubtedly get caught eventually…. 😉

Until next time, and much love.

Matthew

Did Sartre read Shakespeare?

‘To be, or not to be, that is the question…’ is probably one of the most famous, if not the most famous of William Shakespeare’s soliloquies. For centuries, scholars have debated the meaning of this utterance, often in the context of Hamlet holding the skull to which he uttered these arguably indefinable syllables.

Was it about suicide? Was it about our ‘presence’ in the world? Without the ability to question dear William, we shall probably never know…

But in many ways, Hamlet asking himself that rhetorical question is the answer to the his question, because you have to ‘be’ in order to perceive your ‘being’ in the world.

Jean-Paul Sartre‘s seminal text ‘Being and Nothingness‘ deals eloquently with our existential ‘being’ in this world, but the crux of his philosophical treatise is that we have no real choice in ‘being’, because we are indeed present in this world, whether that be in an existential, phenomenological sense, or in a more literal, Cartesian sense. Simplistically, it is irrelevant how we ‘feel’ or ‘rationalise’ why we are here; we are here in this world, and the crux of this philosophical analysis is that we shall spend the rest of our lives on this small piece of rock trying to ‘figure out’ the meaning of our lives here; and the answer to that question may well be different to each and every one of us.

At roughly the same time Confucius was writing ‘Analects‘ in China, a young Plato was also attempting to rationalise society in ancient Greece. Although the ‘Western school’ of philosophy is in many ways a stark contrast to Confucianism, the common link between them is that both of these, almost diametrically-opposed ‘schools’ do attempt to explain and ‘rationalise’ our very ‘being’, and ‘reason for existence’ in this world.

And knowledge, and understanding (or ‘epistemology’) about ourselves in a philosophical sense is, in my opinion, the primary function of our short lives. After all, we had no choice but to be born into this (often) chaotic, cruel, and difficult life.

Laurie Anderson said it best in her lyrics to ‘Born, Never Asked’, a track on her 1982 Album ‘Big Science’:

It was a large room. Full of people. All kinds.
And they had all arrived at the same buidling
at more or less the same time.
And they were all free. And they were all
asking themselves the same question:
What is behind that curtain?
You were born. And so you’re free. So happy birthday.

And in my opinion, we should spend at least part of the rest of our lives trying to ‘figure out’ what is indeed ‘behind that curtain’, which constitutes the life we were born into.

So what does all this philosophical debate about ontology have to do with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Well, I believe that life is indeed a ‘journey’ from birth, to ultimate death. And if we are wise, we should spend at least a small proportion of our time on this earth to ‘figure out what is behind that curtain’ we are presented with on our birthday. In short: What does it mean to be alive?

And, I argue that life with an undiagnosed ‘Borderline’ can indeed in some cases provide you with the opportunity to address that question. When you are ‘staring into the mouth of the abyss’, where the thought of death seems almost preferable to living, then at that point you have to face and address what it means to you to ‘be’ in this world…

Thankfully for me, as in the immortal words of Ewan McGregor, ‘I chose life’. What life ‘is‘ to you is very much up to you to define. But for me personally, ‘life’ is very much defined by those relationships that are almost impossible to maintain/form whilst in an intimate relationship with an undiagnosed ‘Borderline’, such as those with close friends and family.

Thus, the ‘thick-curtain’ of ambiguity and opaqueness that I have previously struggled to ‘peer through’, has now been replaced by the transparency of a ‘net curtain’ that reveals the joy and happiness in my demonstrable, inherent ability to form, and maintain those relationships that make me, ‘me’.

And life is indeed a journey, and I hope that whatever you find at the other side of that ‘curtain’, that it makes you happy; life is too short not to live life any other way.

Until next time…

Much love.

Matthew

DO ‘Believe the Hype’ – There is a ‘Silver Lining’ After All…!

It has now been five-months since the demise of my dysfunctional ‘Borderline’ relationship with my ‘Borderline-Ex’.

I can’t say it has been easy at times. I remember that early-January of this year was punctuated with episodes of regret and ‘shame’, that I ‘hadn’t managed to made it work’. At that time, my idealism and my ‘Stockholm‘s Syndrome’ was well and truly prevalent, and I remember having ‘fantasies’ that the perpetrator of my pain would turn up on my doorstep, begging me to return to her. Thankfully, in retrospect she never did, although the ‘strange’ telephone calls, with the person who remains silent at the end of a ‘blocked’ telephone number continue until this day…

But what about a ‘Silver Lining’ to all the anguish and pain I experienced? Well, I’m happy to confirm that it does indeed exist. And this ‘Silver Lining’ has nothing whatsoever to do with the new relationship I find myself in now, with the person that I believe is indeed the love of my life.

A ‘Silver Lining’, a positive affirmation and reflection of ‘negative’ events must be found ‘within’, rather than found externally from other people (such as my new partner, and other friends); this would only involve ‘using’ people as a ‘means to an end’. This relates very much to the ‘Second formulation’ of Immanuel Kant‘s ‘Categorical Imperative‘. In summary, Kant said that: ‘Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never merely as a means to an end, but always at the same time as an end’. [Immanuel Kant,’ Groundwork of the Metaphysic of Morals‘.]

I am going to be controversial here, and say that everyone at some point in their lives contravenes Kant’s ‘Categorical Imperative’, maybe many times over. Whether you are a car salesman selling cars to willing customers, or a doctor conducting a research project using ‘willing’ volunteers, it could be argued that you are ultimately using other people ‘as a means to your own ends’. This is the quandary that moral philosophy poses – where is the ‘invisible line’ that we shouldn’t cross? Because this ‘line’ is indeed invisible, unless of course you’re Gordon Gecko in ‘Wall Street‘, where ‘Greed is good‘, at the expense of other people’s livelihoods and lives.

Which brings me on to my own experience. I currently work in healthcare in the UK. Before my ‘Borderline’ relationship, I had no concept or understanding of mental illness. Through my (albeit painful) experience, I have just not gained an intimate understanding of the ‘psyche’ of a ‘Borderline’ individual (together with that of other related psychological illnesses), but I have also been a ‘sufferer’ of pain, anguish and mental distress through being a participant in a dysfunctional ‘Borderline’ relationship as a ‘non-BP‘. But I’m not a ‘victim’ any-more; those days are long gone.

However, my experience has given me an intimate understanding of the ‘problems’ people face in the world today. In my work I come across people on a daily basis who suffer from depression, ‘Bi-polar’ disease, schizophrenia, and even Borderline Personality Disorder. Before my own personal experience, I used to ‘sympathise’ with these people, but I didn’t fully appreciate the problems they were facing, and at the ‘back of my mind’ I always used to think: ‘Pull yourself together and stop ‘whining’ – life can’t be that bad!’ However, without a comprehensive understanding of their predicament and condition, one could argue that I was contravening the ‘Second formulation’ of Kant’s ‘Categorical Imperative’ by failing to understand these people, and treating them simply as a ‘means to an end’, to help achieve my own personal and professional objectives.

Since the demise of my ‘Borderline’ relationship relationship, all that has changed. For the first time in my life, I actually understand the psychological illnesses that people I work with with present with; for the first time in my life I actually empathise with them, rather than just sympathise. And we’re not just talking semantics here: the difference between sympathising and empathising is an epistemological paradigm-shift, rather than just a ‘greater understanding’ on a pseudo-linear scale of human rationality. For the first time in my life, I actually ‘feel’ the anguish that people I work with feel, rather than just ‘surveying’ it from a distance; I actually have a greater understanding of their pain, through my own experience with depression and PTSD – And I’m a better person because of it.

In summary, my own painful experience as part of a ‘Borderline’ relationship has not just made me more effective in my work, but it has also made me cherish and appreciate my friendships properly; I now know that my friends are my friends because they ‘just are’, rather than because of the things that they can ‘give me’, or the things that I can ‘acquire’ from them. My true friends will always be my friends, rather than just acquaintances. I now feel ‘whole’, and ‘true’ for the first time in my life, and I now know exactly where my priorities and allegiances lie.

And that is the ‘Silver Lining’. What may seem awful at the time will, with appropriate ‘healing’ make you a better a person. I wouldn’t recommend a ‘Borderline’ relationship to anyone, but in my case the experience has made me a better person, and for that I will be eternally thankful…

Until next time.

Matthew

‘The Butterfly Effect’ & Life After a ‘Borderline’ Relationship: ‘Life after Death’

You may be thinking what links ‘The Butterfly Effect‘, and life after a ‘Borderline‘ relationship. This is something that I have spent the last few months thinking about, since the demise of my own ‘Borderline’ relationship, hence the protracted time since my last post.

So what is ‘The Butterfly Effect’? Simplistically, in chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions, where a small change at one place in a nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state. The name of the effect, coined by Edward Lorenz, is derived from the theoretical example of a hurricane’s formation being contingent on whether or not a distant butterfly had flapped its wings several weeks before. In essence, our current ‘state’ is wholly dependent on events and occurrences that went before.

So what does this have to do with life after a ‘Borderline’ relationship or, as I like to regard it, ‘life after death‘? It is ironic that ‘chaos’ theory can be linked to life after a ‘Borderline’ relationship, as there is nothing more chaotic than this type of relationship…

Relationships change us. It is inevitable. Whether the changes that occur whilst in a certain relationship, or after that relationship has ended are minute or profound, is irrelevant; they are changes nevertheless. And I maintain that these changes will eventually have demonstrable ramifications in the future; your future. These changes may exhibit themselves as ‘simple’ changes in ‘taste’ or opinion, or conversely they may exhibit themselves in much more profound ways; very much like ‘life after death’.

Twenty-years ago I had a girlfriend who liked classical music. I was unfamiliar with this type of music at that time, but time in that relationship exposed me to a ‘new’ type of music that I was unacquainted with before. Now, twenty-years later, I love classical music and I can be thankful for that relationship for introducing me to something that has brought me indescribable joy, long after the demise of that particular relationship. Believe it or not, the same can be said of my recent ‘Borderline’ relationship, no matter how horrendous it was at the time…

Life after the end of my ‘Borderline’ relationship was one of the ‘darkest’ periods of my life. At that time everything was questioned, confusing and ambiguous; even as far as the will-to-live was concerned. I liken the experience to pushing the Reset button when ‘rebooting’ a PC; everything is lost and erased, and you have to start again. And I felt like I had to start again at that time, almost from scratch.

That ‘questioning’ was the impetus to write ‘My Life With a Borderline’, but ‘formatting the hard drive’ didn’t just stop there. I had to ‘rebuild the file structure’ as I went along, deleting the ‘files’ that weren’t of any use, and storing away safely those that were. And those ‘files’ were my personal attributes, aspirations, and my relationships. Some ‘files’ that I thought I would keep were surprisingly discarded, like my own narcissistic tendencies which were previously used to prop-up and support my underdeveloped ‘ego’; conversely, some relationships that I thought were already in the ‘Recycle bin‘ were reinstated, and now even have ‘folders’ of their own.

In short, my life has changed massively after the demise of my ‘Borderline’ relationship; I’m now more aware of what and who is truly important in my life, and I’m now much more in-touch with my ‘Self’. I’m now much happier than I was, even before that relationship started, and ironically I have that nightmare of an existence to ‘thank’ for this. I now feel almost ‘reborn’, and I can assure you, there is life after ‘death’.

I’m glad to write that I am now in a secure, loving relationship with someone who is the antithesis of my Borderline-ex. I won’t go into details, suffice to say that I could never have been here if wasn’t for the events of the last couple of years, experienced with my Borderline-ex.

In this case, the ‘Butterfly flapping it’s wings’ in the last couple of years has brought calm, stability and joy in my present, rather than a ravaging tornado. And my experiences prove that there is ‘life after death’; you just have to be brave enough to sacrifice your dysfunctional relationship, ‘die’ and become reborn.

Just don’t be too afraid; I, and many others like me are with you, and that sunny meadow filled with beautiful butterflies awaits. I know; I’m there.

Until next time…

‘Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall…’ The Result: Scrambled Egg

As human beings surrounded by a hostile world, we remain indeterminately vulnerable. We have to live in ‘equilibrium’ with our environment, trying desperately to ‘adapt’ to survive. After all, genetically, it really is ‘survival of the fittest’.

But we shouldn’t forget that just a couple of degrees temperature variation either way, on a global scale, could probably wipe-out and eliminate half the world’s population, one way or another. We stupendously retain a belief in ‘invincibility’ through the use of science and progress as ‘shields’ to protect our ‘being’ unaware that Thomas Kuhn‘s concept of the ‘Paradigm Shift‘ continually and perpetually undermines our ‘true’ discovery of objectivity.

But this is how it should be in reality; ‘our’ reality, ‘our’ objectivity is really ‘our’ subjective appreciation of the world around us. And it forms the basis of our ‘identity’ within the world, and this approach should apply to everything we encounter and experience in the world, including the concept of mental health.

Which brings me onto poor old Humpty Dumpty. There have been many ‘interpretations’ of this age-old nursery-rhyme, but post-‘Borderline’ relationship, I want to offer a ‘new’ one.

It struck me just how fragile and vulnerable Humpty must feel, high on the wall, about to fall and break into pieces. And it’s no ‘coincidence’ that Humpty is often depicted as an egg in pictures, because eggs are fragile and smash into hundreds of pieces on impact. And no matter how hard other people tried, they could never put him back together again. The result? Scrambled egg.

It was exactly the same when I was atop that high ‘pedestal’ in my relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Falling regularly from my pedestal had the effect of ‘smashing’ and ‘cracking’ my psyche into pieces; fragments of a previously-integrated and whole ‘Self’. And there is one thing that is extremely useful to combat a ‘creaking’ sense of ‘Self’: Dissociation.

I have mentioned dissociation in one of my previous posts, but it is the ‘antidote’ to a fractured, damaged ‘Self’. It is extremely effective in ‘removing yourself from oneself’, and in trying to convince yourself that the trauma just isn’t happening to ‘you’; that’s until the after-effects of ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder‘ kick-in.

I felt a lot like Humpty after I left my Borderline relationship. I felt like my psyche, my very ‘being’ had been smashed into pieces, and that not even the ‘King’s men’ of the healthcare system could put it back together again and reintegrate me with my ‘Self’. I felt like raw scrambled-egg on a dirty supermarket floor…

But there is hope, and I have done it. It hasn’t been easy, but I am now firmly along the road of finding my ‘Self’, and reintegrating it into my ‘true’ identity. And ultimately, I do have my relationship with my Borderline ex-partner to thank for that…

For years, I always ‘chose’ options in life that I ‘thought’ I should, from my chosen career, to my BPD ex. My own narcissism ‘ruled’ my decisions. But non of these decisions led to true happiness. But now I’m learning to be, and appreciate me. I may not be perfect; far from it. But I am now learning to listen to, and understand my own feelings, probably for the first time in my life. And, probably for the very first time in my life, I actually like me…

So although ‘all the King’s horses and all the King’s men‘ may not be able to ‘put you back together again’ when you have fallen from the ‘wall’ of BPD, their care and compassion can help you to ‘escape’ PTSD, post a Borderline relationship, and ‘find’ yourself. Because ironically, only you know how the delicate shell was formed in the first place.

Good luck in your journey of recovery. And always remember: I’m with you.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road…

I have listened to Elton John’s ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road‘ countless times in my lifetime. It is a beautiful song, but it is only since leaving the ‘Land of Oz‘ myself that the lyrics of this song finally make sense. And the basis of this song is quelling addiction, and rejecting the path or ‘road’ to false euphoria.

In the early part of his career, Elton John had a severe drug and alcohol addiction problem. And it took him a relatively long time to free himself of those addictions. If you read the lyrics to ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’, appreciating it within his own historical context, it becomes obvious that he is saying ‘Goodbye’ to drugs; he is saying ‘Goodbye’ to his addictions, and is rejecting the ‘path’ to false euphoria: The Yellow Brick Road.

The final verse of the song’s lyrics are:

‘Maybe you’ll get a replacement.
There’s plenty like me to be found.
Mongrels who ain’t got a penny.
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground.’

This is written ‘to’ his nemesis; written ‘to’ the drugs which ravaged his life in the preceding years. Drugs always have ‘victims’, but here Elton is saying that he will no longer be one.

Obviously, the title of Elton’s song is derived from the 1939 MGM film ‘The Wizard of Oz‘. In this film, before Dorothy leaves Kansas, her life is presented in sepia, black & white; in monotone. It is only when she reaches the Land of Oz that bright colours fill her world and saturate her senses, and her new ‘world’ is presented in Technicolor.

Ultimately, the Yellow Brick Road in the Land of Oz did not take Dorothy to find what she was looking for; she had it all along. And the ‘Yellow Brick Road’ of drugs and alcohol did not take Elton John to Nirvana either; the complete opposite in fact. Which is why we all need to reject the alluring, seductive ‘short cut’ to finding what we ‘need’.

It is often said that leaving a ‘Borderline’ relationship is like leaving the Land of Oz. And I can see exactly why. Life with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder saturates your senses right from the very start; it is like living life in Technicolor, rather than in sepia. And these sensory saturations become addictive. In my Borderline relationship, I became addicted to sex, and all the other things that I thought that relationship ‘gave’ me. And the ‘highs’ of orgasm and idolisation bestowed on me by my Borderline partner were effective, together with dissociation, in combating the ‘lows’ of the abuse and denigration that inescapably followed.

But addictions, and false ‘paths’ to euphoria take their toll; eventually. Addictions destroy the ‘Self’, and before you know it, your addiction to your ‘drug’ of choice becomes overpowering; it becomes more important than your ‘Self’.

Which is why, like Elton, I had to also say ‘goodbye’ to the Yellow Brick Road and leave the Land of Oz. My sanity was at stake; my life, my ‘Self’ were at risk. If Elton John hadn’t turned his back on drugs and addiction in the early-seventies, I have no doubt that he would probably be dead by now. And if I had remained in the Land of Oz myself, with my Borderline ex-partner, I have no doubt that I would have met a similar fate in the not too distant future.

My advice to all those in ‘Borderline’ relationships right now would be to examine very carefully why you are still there, and whether your love for this person is wholly and unconditionally reciprocated. If it is, then there is a good chance your BPD is either seeking therapy, or close to it. There is probably a good chance that you can ‘refashion’ the Land of Oz with your Borderline partner to provide you both with what you need. And I wish you the very best of luck.

But to all those with a Borderline who still believes that they are the all-powerful ‘Wizard’, then my advice would be to find a way off the Yellow Brick Road. Because if you are being completely honest with yourself, you know exactly where that road leads, don’t you?

Leaving the Land of Oz is just like returning to monotone Kansas. Indeed, it’s probably more like discovering, for the first time in your life, Baudrillard‘s ‘desert of the real’. Yes, it lacks the ‘hyperreality’ of the Wizard’s land; colours are muted and emotions are less extreme. But it is ‘real’; existence, for the first time, is real.

And in this ‘desert’, you can have faith that everything you will ‘build’ in the future will be ‘real’ and ‘yours’, rather than a false, euphoric hyperreality constructed and projected by your Borderline-ex.

I admit that finding ‘water’ in that ‘desert’ when you first arrive is hard. But the ‘water’ you need, and the water that you will find is the love and compassion from all those friends and family that were forcefully excluded from the Land of Oz whilst you were there. And that, I can assure you, tastes much better than the intoxicating wine you were forced to ‘drink’ in that false, two-dimensional land you have left.

So good luck in quelling your addiction, and in finding a way to leave the Yellow Brick Road. And I assure you, there is plenty of space here in the ‘desert’, and we are all here to help and support you. You are not alone, and you will never be…

Until next time.

The ‘Buck’ does indeed stop with YOU…

‘It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one’s self.’

Lao-Tzu
(6th century B.C.)
‘The Way of Life‘

One of my favourite films is ‘The Matrix‘ (1999) written and directed by the Wachowski Brothers. On one level, it is an eye-popping action movie, with revolutionary cinematography. But it is much more than a shallow action movie.

It is no coincidence that eight-minutes into the film we see Neo, played by Keanu Reeves, take a hollowed-out book from his shelf, Jean Baudrillard‘s ‘Simulacra and Simulation‘. Baudrillard’s postmodern deconstruction of life, especially as written in ‘Simulacra and Simulation’ details how individuals within society run from the ‘desert of the real’ for the ecstasies of ‘hyperreality’. These include ‘relationships’ with computers, the media, and other technological experiences which ultimately ‘distance’ ourselves from our true ‘Self’. In Baudrillard’s postmodern appreciation of modern life, subjectivity and plurality within the ‘Self’ are replaced by technocratic, totalitarian objectivity, which constrains and ‘boxes in’ our ontological existence; our ‘freedom’ of feeling and thought.

My favourite scene in the film is when Neo goes to see ‘The Oracle’. She points to a sign in Latin above the door in her kitchen, and asks Neo what it means. Neo has no idea, so the Oracle tells him that it says ‘Know Thyself’. Because, without ‘knowing’ yourself, you will never ‘find’ yourself. And at the end of the film, Neo does indeed find himself. Eventually; after he has ‘chosen’ to believe in himself.

Which brings me onto our ‘choices’ in life; the choices we all make, every day. I made a ‘choice’ a couple of years ago. I made a ‘choice’ to stay in a relationship that I knew was dysfunctional. I fled from the ‘desert of the real’, and chose the hyperreality of the ‘Land of Oz‘ instead, with its brightly-coloured landscapes and its alluring yellow-brick road. And I think those of you who are in ‘Borderline‘ relationships, and move in ‘Borderline’ circles know exactly what I mean. But at the end of the day, as in that particular film, the all-powerful wizard whom I thought was my ‘saviour’ was nothing more than a small, damaged child inside…

I am now in the ‘desert of the real’. I have made that ‘choice’. And I can tell you, it is a wonderful place to be. There are no garish colours to distract me; there is no ‘road to no-where’ to ultimately lead me to damaged demagogues. There is only me. And for the first time in my life, I can work to ‘know’ myself.

Because, as in the last line of my book, ‘You are all that matters’…

Until next time.

Thank-you, Mr. Zuckerberg!

Without a doubt, ‘Facebook‘ gets bad press. Commonly termed ‘Facecrack’, it is used by certain people to typify a generation of young people ‘addicted’ to ‘blogging’ and publicising to the world irrelevancies such as what they had for dinner that very evening, even before their last mouth-full has traversed the short distance from their mouths to their stomachs. But I wanted to talk about the ‘therapeutic’ benefit of social networking sites, such as Facebook, especially for those recovering from abusive relationships.

Abusive relationships isolate people, both ‘directly’ and ‘ indirectly’. The direct function of isolation takes the form of finding it difficult, physically, to spend any time with friends and family outside of the dysfunctional, abusive relationship. In my own experience with my ‘Borderline’ ex-partner, an expressed wish or intention to spend time with anyone else was met with rage and abuse. So it was just simpler ‘not’ to spend time with others, and some of those relationships languished. One could say that this form of ‘direct’ isolation is primarily ‘driven’ and derived by your (ex) partner, although in taking responsibility, one must accept that it is you who are ‘consenting’ to this obvious, demonstrable abuse of ‘power’ within a dysfunctional, abusive relationship.

But it is the ‘indirect’ function of isolation that is much more insidious. This ‘self-imposed’ model of isolation is driven by denial and dissociation, and is much more ‘effective’ at severing all the good, healthy relationships in your life. After all, are you really going to tell your close friends and family that the person whom you profess to love, who they probably think is ‘perfection embodied’ (because they are never witness to the abuse), that you are being abused by them? And remember, most ‘Borderlines’ are extremely good ‘actors’. No, you are not. In fact, you are not going to tell them anything. And to avoid the necessity not to tell them anything, it is you that lets those healthy, precious relationships languish; because you have no choice. For people in capture-bonded relationships, where one person may indeed be suffering from ‘Stockholm‘s Syndrome’, you are going to say nothing. You know your place. And you know that any attempt to ‘step out of line’ will cause you pain.

In recovering, and moving-on from an abusive relationship it is important to re-establish those relationships where you can,  in order to help re-base your own sense of reality and identity. And that is where social networking sites such as Facebook are invaluable, in my opinion. All those initially superfluous ‘Likes’, and comments about other people’s lives show that you are interested in their lives, and visa-versa. Social networking sites help you reconnect with old friends, and old acquaintances. In my own experience, since the demise of my ‘Borderline’ relationship, I have both rediscovered old friends, and even made some new ones, all by opening-up to those people and friendships around me.

Of course, social networking can never be a substitute for ‘true’ friendship, where two people have shared experiences and values. But it helps reinforce the notion that you not alone in the world. And you never will be.

So, my advice is to ‘blog’ and ‘Like’ your way back to reality, and happiness. Maybe the new slang term for Facebook should be ‘Face-healing’. And thank-you again, Mr. Zuckerberg! 🙂